At secondary school Tim had a friend called Colvin Mayers, they were friends from the age of five, we join them now aged 14…in the playground at Fleetwood Secondary school Chessington. Someone fat who they don’t know yet bounds up to them all sweaty and in a high pitched not-broken-yet voice says something like “I hear you like the Mahavishnu Orchestra?” and Colvin Mayers bursts out a shriek of high pitched laughing.

It is Mark Cawthra and he would file his front teeth with a heavy-duty metalwork file leaving bits of tooth all along it. He had just been expelled from his other school and nobody ever found out why. On the other side of the playground is Peter Tagg hanging about with his older friends, all of these people talked about so far would at one point or another end up playing in Cardiacs.

It’s 1976 and Tim and his pal Adrian Borland (who at the time was in a punk band called ‘The Outsiders’ and later on fronted a band called ‘The Sound’) and an amazing rock drummer called Bruce Bisland (who ended up drumming for that glam rock band ‘The Sweet’) make a band and do about two gigs then stop…they sounded a bit like the rocky instrumental bits on that David Bowie album ‘The Man Who Sold The World’ didn’t they. They never gave their band a name either.

It’s now 1977...Tim Smith thinks… “Peter Tagg has got a whole drum set and my brother Jim has got a bass and I’ve borrowed a guitar and Jim’s friend Mick Pugh has got a shouty voice” maybe we should start our own pop group!...So they did!…then they all go and write and play a song called ‘Icky Qualms’ and then a few more tunes emerge…bit by bit…usually written ten minutes before each rehearsal time… “Oops we got a rehearsal today…better write a song” …or something like that. Sometimes Peter Tagg’s brother Derek would go along and shriek along to the songs, but really really shriek, all high pitched, like a woman in a horror film will shriek.

He did it at some early gigs too. The first Cardiacs gig was in 1977 at a place in Kingston upon Thames Surrey called the Kaleidoscope (a hostel for misfits and that) Derek shrieked along at that gig along with Colvin Mayers and Ralph Cade (the Cardiac-ettes) who then officially joined Cardiacs…Colvin playing an old synthesiser and Ralph would just hold a saxophone that he had no idea how to play and ‘dance’.

They were called ‘Cardiac Arrest’ back then. They didn’t even know what ‘Cardiac Arrest’ meant. Contrary to popular belief they were never called ‘Philip Pilf and the filth’. Why would they want to be called that? It is said that Tim formed the band merely as a revenge to take on his brother Jim for all the unkind things he would do to him as an infant. It is true. It all backfired for Tim though. His cruel idea was to form a band playing a kind of unpalatable ‘music’ that no one in their right minds would enjoy very much, thus humiliating his brother and forcing him to look as foolish as possible on stage. But Jim became popular,as did the band eventually, and at the concerts Jim’s name was, and still is chanted with joy to this very day. “Jim…Jim…Jim..” It is said that Tim counts the “Jims” and for each one a different punishment is brought down upon his brother who apparently has no idea why this is so.
'CardiacArrest' at this time knew that they were in their ‘infant’ stages and were aware that they were still very inept at playing their instruments, so it was decided that their uniform, for the time being, would simply be the Romper Suit. A dashing different colour for each member of the band. This uniform would be worn until they had earned their ‘pop star’ clothes. Lovely glitter maybe? Smashing solid gold shoes? Who could possibly know?
'Cardiac Arrest' made a single called ‘A bus for a bus on the bus’ in 1979 at an embryonic ‘Elephant studios’ in London. It was released on Tortch Records. … Oh yes, and then Mick Pugh left and Tim Smith started singing because no one else wanted to.

Pete, convinced he was from the planet ‘Miron’, left with Ralph in 1979 and formed a band with Pete’s brother Derek called ‘The Trudy’ and Mark Cawthra moved down from York to live with Tim and Jim and took Peter’s place on them drums… So…The band now is Tim Smith on guitar and singing, Jim Smith on Bass, Colvin Mayers on synth, and Mark Cawthra on drums and it’s time to do some more recording.

Not far away in a very tiny basement was a recording studio called ‘Crow’. “Let’s go there and record some of our tunes” someone probably said. This they did. They didn’t know what they were doing and the recordings sounded very bad and the band were as happy as Larry. So happy in fact that they released the recordings on a cassette album called ‘The Obvious Identity’. It’s about 1980 now by the way and they would find any old, or worn out cassette tapes to copy the albums onto for sale at their few and far between gigs such was the quality control. “The recordings were so shit it wouldn’t matter if they were copied onto washing up sponges” someone later said, probably.

Now it’s about 1981 and for some reason Mark Cawthra was given a sort of ‘job’ in Crow studios. While the owner was away he’d break in through the windows, let Cardiacs in and record them. These recordings ended up being Cardiacs 2nd Cassette album. This album, it was decided, would be called ‘Toy World’, which also sounded rubbish. Cardiacs were as delighted as can be and loved the recordings. “Every time the door bell went or the phone rang, it would put a massive crackle on the tapes”.

Mark got fired from Crow after he drilled into the owner’s car’s petrol cap because it was locked.

Colvin Mayers left Cardiacs to join Adrian Borland’s band ‘The Sound’ just before the Toy World recordings but left behind in his place a girl called Sarah Cutts who had a saxophone. No one has ever found out where she actually came from.

Between the years 1982-1984 a few changes happened. Mark Cawthra swapped playing the drums for getting up front and showing off in front of some keyboards and singing. Dominic Luckman, who was already a part of Cardiacs loyal crew at the time, joined playing them drums. Tim Quy, also a member of the loyal crew, enlisted himself into the band in a fit of jealousy playing anything he could get his hands on.
 Cardiacs slipped out of their dirty romper suits and into something a bit more grown up.

They felt they had earned this after the completion of their 3rd cassette album ‘The Seaside’ which was also recorded at`Crow’. (Cawthra was forgiven by the owner and allowed back in if he wore only red shorts however cold the weather might be, and on condition that Cardiacs actually pay for the recording this time).

During all this time Cardiacs gradually became uncomfortably aware that they were being continually watched. But by who? Everything they did was accompanied by terrible feelings of dread. No one knew why.

In 1983 William D. Drake was spotted by Tim Smith playing the piano in a small back room of a public house. William was accompanied by a girl singing her heart out and playing the trumpet. Her name was Lansi Lorrens. (She played the trumpet on ‘The Seaside’). Tim, liking William's music, quickly wrote out a tune on a bit of paper and stuck it in front of William. “Play that!” he probably snapped. After William had effortlessly played the tune Tim told him that, like it or not, he was now in Cardiacs! William wasn’t sure what he meant by this but found himself in the band anyway.

…Again, that feeling of being watched…Those feelings of dread…Mark Cawthra mysteriously disappearing…A badly written and vulgar letter from someone called ‘THE CONSULTANT’ …An extremely courteous visit from a small lady called ‘Miss Swift’…Cardiacs didn’t know it then, but Mercy Alive, were things about to change!

Mark Cawthra was still missing.

Apparently no one really noticed.

One day the front door flies open… Some boy with a guitar strapped around him is held by his shirt collar by a very tall and greasy man shouting “THIS BOY WILL DO FOR YOU! … THIS BOY WILL DO FOR YOU!” and shaking him like a rag doll. The boy was Graham Simmonds. The tall man was THE CONSULTANT who’d been spying on Cardiacs for some time.

Graham never wanted to be in Cardiacs but he was made to join. THE CONSULTANT made him. He had no choice. Cardiacs had no choice. It was Cardiacs’ first meeting with THE CONSULTANT and was so not to be the last. It was around this time that a girl called Marguerite Johnston was asked to join the band to make up the other half of a saxophone section with Sarah and to fill the space that Mark Cawthra had mysteriously left.

(It turned out that THE CONSULTANT had ‘misplaced’ Mark in order to ‘introduce’ his boy Graham into the band and was furious to discover that Marguerite had joined and made it virtually impossible for her to stay very long. She went missing in early 1984.)

For reasons known only to the band, (or not), Cardiacs remained under the tyranny of THE CONSULTANT and Miss Swift for many years to come. They supplied Cardiacs with new brown clothes. “Shit brown uniform…where’s my glittery uniform.” One of the band was heard to timidly mumble under his breath, but THE CONSULTANT insisted and said the uniforms were smart and tidy.

Makeup was introduced to make the band more attractive. After the make up was applied it was insisted upon that it must remain on their faces day and night. In time, it smudged and started to smell putrid, and the brown uniforms became sweat-ridden and tatty. They were never washed.

Miss Swift would console Cardiacs whenever she could and give them the guidance and the words of wisdom they so badly needed. Miss Swift, although very wise, was also very sensitive, so any vexed questions put her way would have to be filtered through another unknown source, (an organisation called THE ALPHABET BUSINESS CONCERN). For reasons known only to him at the time, THE CONSULTANT insisted that THE ALPHABET BUSINESS CONCERN’s name should appear on all Cardiacs releases and insisted that they be contacted before any decisions, however trivial, were made.

It is thought that it was THE ALPHABET BUSINESS CONCERN’s decision to rid the band of Graham Simmonds without consulting anyone. Not even THE CONSULTANT. But the more popular theory is Graham walking off into the distance in a sulk because everyone had forgotten him. No one actually witnessed this. If THE ALPHABET BUSINESS CONCERN had anything to do with this action, then it was to be the first of many liberties to be taken.

Always an invisible entity in the background, THE ALPHABET BUSINESS CONCERN demanded that THE CONSULTANT and Miss Swift should appear on the stage with Cardiacs at the end of their shows to celebrate the closing of another triumphant evening, if they had earned it.

This wasn’t popular with the band as it marked the end of the show. It was, back then, the only way to make them stop playing. Miss Swift and THE CONSULTANT would sometimes have to drag a blubbing Tim Smith off the stage. It was all getting very ugly. Before long THE ALPHABET BUSINESS CONCERN took offence to the large white decorative Daisy back drop that Cardiacs used to perform in front of and insisted that it be replaced by the  ALPHABET BUSINESS CONCERN banner still used to this day.

At around the end of 1989 THE CONSULTANT and Miss Swift received a telegram from THE ALPHABET BUSINESS CONCERN and were not seen again, at least not in public, although it is rumoured that they still weald their particular 'Influence' behind the scenes to this day.

A Girl called Christian Hayes was brought in to take Sarah’s place, but instead of turning up with a Saxophone she brought an electric guitar by mistake so ended up playing that. A Live concert called ‘All That Glitters Is a Mares Nest’ was filmed in a spooky church in Salisbury that year and it was Little Sarah’s last appearance with Cardiacs. It was also Tim Quy’s last appearance. He was very still after the concert and everybody thought he’d died, but he hadn't. He had in fact, broken the nausea rule laid down by THE ALPHABET BUSINESS CONCERN several times that day and so was disappeared.

Several months later it was realised that Christian Hayes was not a girl after all. Just a strange looking boy. Upon this discovery he felt he had to leave Cardiacs and joined ‘Levitation’. A band he’d formed in secret with, among others, Terry Bickers who had just left ‘The House of Love’ because he was insane. The remainder of Cardiacs, not knowing what to do, sat and awaited orders from THE ALPHABET BUSINESS CONCERN but no orders came. William D Drake took this opportunity to ‘jump ship’ and went missing without a bag…and so…Cardiacs were now just Tim and Jim Smith and Dominic Luckman.

They sat and waited for what seemed like an eternity for any instructions. Finally they came through and Cardiacs were told to write and record an album in glorious praise of THE ALPHABET BUSINESS CONCERN. They were told that the album must be called ‘Heaven Born and Ever Bright’. This they did and their hearts were lifted and filled with awe and power! They found a guitarist to take Christian’s place. Jon Poole was his name. Being 'not quite right' was his game. Cardiacs were now a proud four piece.

In early 1995 Cardiacs were finally given the go ahead to record an album. The time of their chastisement had come to an end. They were never really sure why they had been so punished, but that time was over and it was now a time for rejoicing! They recorded their album ‘Sing To God’ at ‘Apollo 8’ and ‘Sally Birthday House’ studios. So many songs it had to be a double album. They also re-released their entire back catalogue onto super-CD format.

Over the next few years THE ALPHABET BUSINESS CONCERN gave the impression that they had ‘loosened the reins’ a little so the band toured a lot and recorded their next album ‘Guns’ which was released in 1999. It was probably a good time. 
It was during these supposedly ‘good times’ that Tim Smith took unfair advantage of THE ALPHABET BUSINESS CONCERN's impartiality and went AWOL to write and record with strangers!

He wrote an album with a peculiar bunch he’d been taken in by who all lived in a forest or something. The band was called ‘Spratleys Japs’. It was when Tim then released the album on a different label, that THE ALPHABET BUSINESS CONCERN re-tightened their invisible hold. Another 5-year penalty was enforced. No recording and hardly any gigs were permitted. Maybe one concert per year? Or two if the band's behaviour had been exemplary.

For obvious reasons, any information on the years that passed is a little difficult to come by.

However, In 2003 Cardiacs were permitted to record some concerts they did, but only if the concerts consisted entirely of the songs they played when the band first started when they were children. Whether this was a punitive action taken by THE ALPHABET BUSINESS CONCERN or not is anyone’s guess, but record the concerts they did. These concerts were to be the first with new guitarist Kavus Torabi. THE ALPHABET BUSINESS CONCERN thought it best if Jonny Poole left the band and told Kavus, who had already been working alongside Cardiacs as a member of their loyal crew for some years, to take his place.

The live albums were released in 2005 when the curfew was finally lifted.